Hey to anyone that still watches me.

First off, my apologies that I haven't had any new deviations for years, ran into a creative block, and got so tied up with work that I honestly haven't had time to write much (not to mention that when I do write anything when I read it back it kinda scares me, so I decided not to put them up).

Secondly, I've been on more recently, so feel free to send me messages or a comment just to chat.
Also you can find me on:
Facebook
MySpace

or you can add me on msn as kissmyass16202@hotmail.com

Hope to hear from you all

James aka Hazzer

well.

im feeling better than my last journal


just thought you'd like to know

Hello again fellow deviants, it's been a while, thought I'd post a journal to let y'all know I'm still alive.
I wanted to put this in a deviation, but I couldn't find a category to put it in, it's like musings and random thoughts from in my head, but it didn't seem to fit anywhere.

<Start>

It's all getting to much for me, I don't know how much longer I can hold on.
People have no idea how hard it is to be me right now, the daily struggle to remain sane grows harder and harder, soon it may overwhelm me and I'll break down.
A nervous wreck.

Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing, at least then I can rest. I need a break from being me, I need to be someone that doesn't have hundreds of worries all at the same time, I need to be someone that doesn't wake up disappointed that they didn't die in their sleep, I need to be someone who still has the ability to be happy.

People don't understand what it's like in my head, so maybe you all need an analogy.

Ok. Picture this, you work in a bar, it's Saturday night and you're working on your own, there's a band on so the bar is packed, you have a hundred people all trying to get you to serve them, the phone is ringing, your mobile is ringing, the band are playing, there's sirens going outside and planes flying overhead.
This cacophony of noise is something like whats going on in my head, a meaningless jumble of thoughts and feelings.

Maybe you all think I'm being emo here and writing about how depressed I am. I'm not. The one thing I'm not is depressed. Confused and two steps beyond a breakdown, held together by pure bloody mindedness, staying sane for the benefit of countless others that need me.
I do too much for other people and not enough for myself, I need a holiday. I need someone to be there for me when I need them, I need people to repay what I've done for them, now I'm the one that needs support.


....
..
.

I can't face the thought of tomorrow, I don't want to think about what else will go wrong, what new way they can find to torment me.

Some might say a drink would help.
I don't wanna go down that path. If I start drinking to forget, I'll never stop. I don't wanna rely on it, I don't want to be an alcoholic again.

My hands are shaking now, I need sleep...
Goodnight all.

.. sort of.

hello again my friends, its been a while. sorry if i had any of you worried, there have been certain... barriers... to me coming on here a lot.

im not sure how long this will last so if i disappear again i'll be back again.. dont fret.

well.. it's that time of year again, where we all spend lots of money and pretend to be really happy to see out distant relatives.
but xmas isnt about that really is it?
stop that right now! lol
xmas is a time of friendship and unity. also of forgiveness.

so this year, maybe the best present you can give someone is to accept their apology, let people say that they're sorry.

ok?

now on with the partying!

Merry Xmas all and sorry for the cheesy xmas message.